Hello internet! Long time. I’m pretty much the worst blogger in the world, aren’t I? I mean, who goes out and even has lives separate from the internet anymore?
Okay, I’m sorry. I really am. I have this growing backlog of interesting things I keep meaning to tell you about in the most roundabout and smarmy of ways, but alas, I can hardly come up with the time. But hey, here I am. Quiet your angry keyboard pounding and just pay attention.
If you have a decent memory and/or the incredible ability to look further down the page at the older posts, you’ll know that I spotted a crazy looking cthulhu citrus fruit at Whole Foods. What the what, you may have collectively asked yourselves in quiet bewilderment. I can answer your question in a quick smarmy link, or you can just look at the pictures and decide for yourself.
From the day I set eyes on that bumpy hide, the gnarly tendrils, and the grotesque severed-limb appearance, I knew I just had to have it. I figured that the best way would be to go on the offensive: buy one of these doggone things (I paid something like $8 for this gargantuan beast. This thing was a major novelty and also a major dent to my wallet for what it was worth) and gather a bunch of friends to launch our collective attack on it.
Our purpose was two-fold: we would somehow put this grody thing in our mouths, but before doing so we’d try some of the Miracle Berry Tablets that I had recently got from ThinkGeek.
Mystery indeed.
You take a tablet, set it on your tongue, and it alters your tastebuds’ perception of mainly sour and bitter things to make them taste sweet. It basically takes the edge off of things such as citrus fruits and the bitterness of beer, and transforms your tongue tasting landscape into a trippy candyland.
Ready to get a little crazy and messy, a hush fell over our party as the first cut was made into the buddha hand lemon. It was the same sort of anticipatory silence you get in parts of horror movies just before the killer jumps out and starts hackin’ away. It was the same sort of dead air before the sharp blade slices into limbs and red dye corn syrup splatters all over the screen.
Uh, well, I guess it was hardly exciting. If you were looking for a juicy fruit, you ain’t got one. This whole thing was rind. Imagine not only the plain ol’ disappointment, but the frustrating bouts of embarrassment as it all dawned on us we weren’t really supposed to put these in our mouths… after having chewed at it for a little while, of course.
But never mind embarrassment. Think about all the indigestion. As a party idea I thought it was killer: group of friends, disgusting food, trippin’ tastebuds, hilarity ensues! Ah yes, tastebuds were trippin’, hilarity ensued, but disgusting food stayed in our systems, and luckily no one died so group of friends remained intact.
The disgusting food we tried after triggering our tastebuds on miracle berries was bountiful. Some of our findings were as follows.
Limes: delicious. Removes the bitter and sour notes, and leaves behind an almost floral citrusy note.
Grapefruit: in my opinion, the best thing ever. It removes the bitter crust to get to that smooth citrus flavor.
Guinness: tastes chocolatey.
Chipotle peppers: don’t try this. It does nothing except burn your eyes when you forget that you’ve touched the chiles with your fingers and then rub your eyes.
Tabasco: do do this. Tabasco has vinegar which, once removed, has a very interesting heat and flavor to it. Becomes ultimately very savory.
Honey: sickeningly sweet.
Balsamic vinegar: warm, lush flavor and without the sour, increasingly like honey.
Salt and vinegar chips: turned almost.. sweet. It was really bizarre.
Goat cheese: tasted like cheesecake. We could not get enough of this insanity.
Other items either were unaffected by the tablets or did not seem overwhelmingly all that different. All in all, it turned out to be a great party with little to no digestive problems, even if I would’ve guessed otherwise. I can live another day to fight another battle with some gnarly, overpriced fruit from exotic lands.
Until next time.
